


Solace

by MissCordayLewis



Category: E.R.
Genre: F/F, Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-03
Updated: 2012-06-03
Packaged: 2017-11-06 18:16:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/421799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissCordayLewis/pseuds/MissCordayLewis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a bad day, all you want is comfort, and a friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Solace

**Author's Note:**

> Set during "Tell Me Where It Hurts"

November 14, 2002: The worst day in Susan's life.

Two patients. Two bodies brought in the ER. Two corpses laid on the cold, musty morgue. She talked herself into thinking that they're patients in poor health, and they'll end up dead in the next three months anyway. Still, she couldn't shake off that feeling.

**Thursday – 2, Lewis – 0.**

A phone slammed within earshot of her, causing her to glance towards Abby's direction. “Looks like your day's sucking as bad as mine.”

Abby ranted on how she couldn't keep in touch with her brother who went AWOL at work. Susan lamented being the Grim Reaper of County General. She sifted through charts in a search for the safest, least complicated case. Alas, fate had other plans. _At this rate, I would have killed someone with a simple cold._

Or at least, a 300 pound man with a swollen scrotum.

Another MVA arrived, an 11 year old motorcycle passenger among the casualties. He had multiple contusions all over his body, his heart unresponsive even to the maximum amount of energy his body could handle. Susan felt her brain turning into mush, unable to concentrate. The monitors beeped in an erratic fashion as she attempted to tube for the second time. “Got it.”

Susan walked out of the trauma room despite Luka and Jing-Mei's efforts  getting her to stay and finish the job. She rode the elevator and disappeared to the rooftop, only to discover Abby leaning right behind the barrier.  “Looks like I'm not the only one hiding out here.”

Abby turned her head as Susan walked to a spot beside her, letting the last of the ash on her hand fall to the floor before taking another cigarette from her pocket. “Okay, this wasn't one of my better days.”

“Tell me about it.”, Susan said. “I could've lost my fourth patient today.”

“You don't seem too happy about it.”

“I walked out.”

Part of Susan wanted to ask if she had an extra stick, but she realized that she hadn't had a cigarette for the past five years. She and Abby stared at one another for a brief moment, giving her a slight smile before looking back at the El tracks. “Were you able to talk to him?”

“Yeah. Air Force took him a few hours ago. Probably sending him to some loony bin right now.”

Susan knew that feeling of failure seeping to her bones the same way Abby inhaled on her vice. Abby took care of Eric like Susan did with Chloe, so she somehow knew that his failure to control his demons were also her failures as the caregiver. Abby leaned on the concrete barrier as she stubbed the cigarette down the floor. “I just wanted Eric to be okay. That's all. It's just that how things happened weren't the way I expected them to happen.”

“It never does.”, Susan said. “Like how I expected Chloe to be clean for so long after going to the program. The next thing I knew, she found this new group of junkies and left Susie in this decrepit New York City motel.”

“But she cleaned herself up again, right.”

Susan sighed and slumped her shoulders. “Yeah, but you’ll never know.”

“How do you deal with it?”

 _Wait a minute,_ _Abby doesn't ask for help. Abby doesn't ask for advice, let alone from someone like me. Why here? Why now?_ “You mean, you're asking **me** how I deal with this?”

Abby nodded.

Nobody knew who Susan really was. A lot of people think they knew –her, Carter, Carol, Doug...  But there's only one person who knew her inside and out, and he's already six feet underground.

 Still, he's gone, and Susan had to move on. “Most of the time, you can't really do anything other than stand there and watch. I know it's hard to feel helpless, but there are times where the intervention is worse than what caused it.”

Abby looked down on the floor, as if disappointed with what she got. “Sorry I can't give you better advice.”

“No, it's- it's fine. It's just that...” Abby said, exhaling a puff of smoke before looking away, brushing a tear from her eye.

Susan wanted to wrap her arms around her and tell her _'It's okay. I'm here. You have nothing to worry about',_ but in spite of thoughts that state the contrary, they weren't that close...yet. All she could do was stand beside her, sharing on the second-hand smoke like sharing each others' weight and burdens.

In Susan's eyes, she's an enigma, waiting to be discovered by the right person, in the right place, in the right time. _If only she knew who I really am, as much as I wanted to know who she really is._


End file.
